cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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