I think my fart just growled at me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
