Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
