how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
