normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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