I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
