I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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