his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
