mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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