she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
