i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
