I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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