TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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