Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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