Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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