Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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