This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
