bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
