i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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