By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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