I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
