We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
