i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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