Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
