I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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