I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
