This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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