Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
