the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
