until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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