I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
now i know why i became what i already was.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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