She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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