How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
