But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is this the sara with the beer cane?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
