i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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