pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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