i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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