Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
sex in a hospital.. check
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
