So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
