Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
