Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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