i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
