trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
