My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
