just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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