I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
