Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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