I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just want nice things and good sex
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
