Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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