She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
