Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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