Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
