Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
