Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
