Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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