I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
